Tayo sat beside me on the bench as I cried into my hands. I could tell he felt really bad but was unsettled by my outburst. When he reached out and wrapped his arms around me I was supposed to feel better. That little tingle go was supposed to flow through my veins at light speed and I should have felt warm all over. When he leaned in closer and whispered in my ears “I’m sorry Angie” I should have told him that it was ok, that I’d get over. I should have been glad he apologized and given him my usual little peck. But I just couldn’t this time. I had finally realized it, what the real problem wasn’t Tayo or my mum or that teacher who had picked on me in school. I was the problem.

When I came to this realization I cried even harder. It felt like the tears were never going to stop even though my eyes were beginning to hurt. My throat felt weird and clogged and I didn’t even know what was worse. The way my body felt physically or the way my heart felt breaking in my chest. I could tell from Tayo’s sudden intake of breath that he was taken aback but he only hugged me tighter. He was taking this pretty well, I had never cried in front of him before.

“If I had known you would be this upset” Tayo said quietly “I wouldn’t have told Amaka about it. I’m really sorry”

“No” I said suddenly He released me from his hold so he could see my face and I sat back on the bench. It was quiet in the park and really late too. The stars illuminated the sky in such a breath taking way. It was something that a camera couldn’t capture, that an artist couldn’t reciprocate. This was supposed to be a beautiful night, one with a memory I would hold on to forever. A kiss under the stars had always been a dream of mine anyway. But Tayo’s confession had changed all of that.

He was still looking at me, expecting me to go on. I took in a deep breath of the cool night air before turning to face him.

“It’s not your inability to keep a secret that hurts me Tayo” I said calmly. He was used to my harsh tone and sarcasm so he did nothing but nod. I continued now looking at the fountain in the middle of the park.

“I’m fed up” I sighed “This isn’t the first you’ve told Amaka about something I told you not to. You keep doing this like it’s fine just because I’m not screaming at you like your exes used to do…”

“Are you jealous of Ama…”

“You told her about my miscarriage!” I snapped at him angry tears forming in my eyes “Who does that?!”

“Angie, baby please” He said putting a hand on my lap. I glared at it and he pulled his hand away

“We can sort this out” He continued trying to get me to look at him “Angie is one of my best friends, I tell her everything”

“If she’s so close to you then why don’t you just freaking date her” I replied stoically.

Silence. I just kept looking ahead at the horse shaped fountain. It looked different at night, like something out of a children’s fairytale. It looked surreal and out of place, like it didn’t belong in this park which was usually filled with wild kids or disgruntled adults. Or maybe it was just me.

When I felt the silence had gone on for long enough. I looked back at him and said what was really on my mind.

“I blame myself” I said. He opened his mouth to say something but I put my hand up to stop him.

“I should’ve have just let you go the second time we fought, the time you had drunk sex with her on my couch. But I just kept forgiving you, my fantasies keeping me company while reality was lurking in the shadows. I kept trying to see the good in you. Telling myself that deep down you were a good person. And really you are… But we both know that we don’t belong together”

“So what are you trying to say” Tayo said eyeing me curiously.

“I always do this to myself” I continued trying hard now to keep the tears at bay “I expect so much from people because I know that I’d go that far for them but it doesn’t work that way. I expect people to treat me better, to do the right thing but they don’t and I get so disappointed that I lose hope in humanity for a little while… Then, the cycle just starts again. I get my hopes up and start believing in some idiot again”

“And I know what I’m doing won’t get me anywhere but I keep doing it anyway. I’m even harder on myself. I set up standards that I know I can’t reach quite yet and then beat myself up when I fail. But with other people I just keep giving them chances and telling them that it’s ok when it really isn’t. What’s wrong with me?”

Tayo didn’t say anything. He just put his hand on my shoulder encouraging me to go on. I didn’t glare at him this time.

“I can’t keep this up anymore” I sighed my eyes closed “I’m sorry Tayo, I just can’t”

“It’s ok” Tayo said squeezing my shoulder reassuringly. “I wish it were a different decision but I understand”

“You don’t like me in the right way” I said looking him in the eye “You love Amaka, and I don’t resent you for that”

I gave him a sad smile and got up to leave.

“Wait” Tayo said

I turned back to look at him, his light brown eyes meeting my dark ones.

“Are you sure… That you aren’t upset?” He asked tentatively.

I shook my head “I just said I wasn’t angry at you. I’m still shaken up about everything”

“Can I at least give you a ride home?” He asked

“I’ll manage on my own” I replied with a small wave “Good night Tayo”

And with that my four year relationship came to an end.