It’s been a long week, scratch that, it’s been a long month. My sister thinks I’m depressed. That’s funny actually “ha, ha depression” Like what the heck am I going through? Sorry, that wasn’t actually funny. Pardon my dumb ass humour. It’s a thing of the times.

I wonder sometimes if I’m the only one who just feels down about the weirdest things. Like how I regret not living life to the fullest while I had the chance when I know I still have a chance. That’s dumb, I know I’m dumb sometimes. Like how I’m worrying about a future that’s about twenty years away.

I fantasize. Block everything out, all the worries, fears, inappropriate thoughts and listen to my music. Sometimes I’m dancing in the streets. It’s chilly outside but a nice kind of chilly, the one you don’t need a jacket for. My crush and I are dancing outside even though I couldn’t dance to save my life. He twirls me around then catches me in his arms. Our eyes meet. The moment is perfect.

Or I have a glimpse. Just a passing thought as I fold dry clothes or a quick snippet from my imagination as I scrub the pot my mother has used to cook semo. I’m on a balcony. I’m wearing a red dinner dress and it’s really dark outside. It’s quiet, so quiet that I can only hear the voice of the person across the table. We sit together looking at the tiny, twinkling stars as he tells me stories of how his mother prepared his favorite soup while  singing along to Asa’s fire on the mountain. We have glasses in front of us, filled with red wine. I take a sip and smile at him because he knows I love that song. He asks if he should play it, I tell him it won’t quite fit the mood. I tell him we should play the one who never comes. He gives me a weird look but does as I say.

That’s quite a long glimpse right? I know, I know. But believe me when I say these are the things I think about and imagine when I’m alone in bed. The beautiful scenarios that put me to sleep look at lot like this. Sometimes they’re a lot louder, and I’m a spy going on a adventure. Sometimes they’re crazy and I’m busting an underground drug ring. When I say I live in my head people laugh it off or they don’t believe me. It’s something I’ve got used to doesn’t really bother me.

So maybe I am a little sad or even depressed, as long as my imagination continues to run it’s wildest there’s still hope. There’s still a part of me that longs to see my fantasies actualized. There’s still a part of me that longs for better days, better times. This part keeps me going, keeps me alive.

“So what do I long for?” You might ask. I long for a life filled with love, laughter and adventure. A life where no one tells me what to and not to wear, what I should and shouldn’t say, what I can and cannot be. A life where the real me doesn’t have to hide. She can sing, dance, walk , talk and do whatever the heck she wants to do. I long for a world where I’m free to be me.