It’s been a while since I posted, hasn’t it? I honestly kinda miss it here. Just posting poems and write ups and pretty much whatever comes to my mind. But I really haven’t had the time. I haven’t even had time for myself since the new semester begun. But I’m managing… At least that’s what I tell people.

I’m not sure if this has happened to anyone else before. I’m not even sure if it’s realistic or if anyone will read this far but I’ve wanted to ask, so I’ll just go ahead and ask. Have you ever gone through something that was supposed to change you for the better? Pretty sure everyone is gonna say yes to that one. Alright, alright, hear me out. Have you ever like been through something that really gave you “character development” but then all of a sudden you get into a new stage of your life and it’s like you didn’t learn anything at all? I’m asking because that’s pretty much what’s happening to me right now.

During the elongated holiday (that’s what I’m gonna call it but y’all should know I’m referring to the strike) I felt like I had grown stronger. I had learnt new things, dealt with things I didn’t think I would survive and I was anxious but excited when I realized that resumption was on the horizon. But when I got to school I can almost swear that it’s like the strike never happened. It’s like I never learnt anything at all and the old me is the one making decisions again.

I’m anxious all the time. In fact, if anything I’m three times as anxious as I was before I started at college. I’m never sure of anything I do and I’m so razzled by everything that I’m finding studying difficult. Not to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure I’ve flunked my first few tests and the semester is being rushed to make up for lost time.

The whole thing is just a big mess. Add everything I just told you to the fact that I still have personal issues to deal with and I’ve got myself this huge concoction of problems. I’m not complaining necessarily, I mean I’m glad I’m finally in school, but the stress is really unhealthy. And lately I’ve been feeling like I can’t do it anymore.

I honestly hope you can’t relate to this. I’m thinking I’ll probably write a poem about how confusing everything has been eventually, but in the meantime, I guess I just wanted to share my experience.

Things will get better I know, but for now it all just really sucks and I’m jealous of how well everyone else seems to be handling things. And I was honestly thinking of naming this post “lamentations of a freshman” (even though I’m not exactly a fresher) but I really just wanted y’all to know that I didn’t disappear. I’ll be back on my feet soon. Just give me some time *sighs*