I used to love fairytales as a kid.
I fell in love with the characters, the plot lines within.
The little me was always, expecting a happily ever after ,
But the older me is beginning to wonder “when will they cease, these days without laughter”

I’m not sad but I’m not happy either,
Not depressed but I’m barely existing.
I put in all that effort,
And it amounted to nothing,
I trusted and hoped and didn’t get anything.
How on earth do you expect me to feel,
When it seems like my world is crumbling at my feet?

Am I living a tragedy?
Where I’m doomed to fail over and over again?
Why isn’t anything working out for me,
With everything I’ve gone through to get here?
It isn’t fair! I tried so hard.
And the only answer I get to my complaints are more and more questions.
What did I do wrong?
Tell me please! I can’t take this any longer.

I feel so empty.
So unmotivated.
Like a patient who’s been sedated
But maybe it’s better this way,
Maybe it’s better to water down my emotions,
To not expect, not to hope, not to get too excited.
Maybe that way I won’t be so disappointed,
When as usual things don’t go the way I wanted.

They tell me good news and ask,
“Arent you happy?”
And it makes me feel even worse.
I’m not happy because this isn’t how it’s supposed to end.
Nothing feels right, my emotions I can’t mend.
This just isn’t it.
This just isn’t the happy ending.

Or maybe I’m finally damaged,
And broken beyond repair.
Maybe I can’t just be happy,
Because I tried so hard to be numb.
I just go around sucking the joy out of everyone around me.
Because the sweet things of life, I can no longer see.
Or maybe I’m right and everyone else is wrong,
Maybe I still haven’t just found my happily ever after.

I give up.
I really do.
How can I put so much hope in something and still it won’t come true?
I’m tired and drained and can’t see myself trying.
They tell me “I don’t get you, just cheer up” but my smile is fading
I’m not happy and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be again.
My hope in these happily ever Afters is slowly “cascading”
And very soon I’ll stop waiting
Waiting for things to get better.

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I write this poem back in January but didn’t really feel like posting it. It’s just really sad and it’s coming from a dark place, you know? If you do feel like you relate to this poem though, please don’t give up. Things get better I promise.