I’m sitting in my bed just staring at my phone. It’s locked, the screen is dark and I’m just looking at it because I have nothing else to do. Oh, no wait, I actually do have a ton of things I have to do. I just don’t have the energy to do any of them.

The lights are off. And a sensible person would go and turn them on but I didn’t. A sensible person would be excited that she finally got to go back to school after being delayed for so long. But if anything, I felt worse than I had in months. A sensible person, a normal person would only be concerned about school work and supplies. But here I was, anxious and worried about things that hadn’t even happened yet. I think the sooner you accept that you arent “sensible” the less everything hurts. I mean it still hurts, it just hurts a lot less.

I mean, people are just so terrible. They tell me things like “You arent even doing anything, why are you so tired?” And “Don’t you realize other people have it worse, learn to be grateful” Then when you’re down and scared that you’re too weak to handle anything, when you feel to afraid to enjoy the good times they tell me “What are you worrying about, isn’t this what you wanted?”

Laugh my freaking ass off. How can I enjoy anything when people just say whatever the hell they want and expect me to be okay with it? Or maybe it’s my fault, maybe I do take things way too seriously. I mean, he hadn’t meant it offensively when he had asked me “what did you do?” In response to my “I’m stressed” But I had expected an understanding response. I had wanted to talk about some stuff.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I stare at my phone. I don’t even bother to wipe them off, no one can see me anyway. It’s night time now and I’m free to cry. No one to ask “Is this how you’ll be crying when you get to UNILAG?” No one to tell me “So what will you do if someone insults you in school?” I could just be as sad as I wanted. Far away from the world’s judging eyes.

I’ve just had enough. Did being at home all the time take away my right to be tired, angry, hurt and/or stressed? Does it mean that when I tell people my story they’ll just shake their heads and say “what is this one going through?” Because it’s so hard to be happy now that it’s all over because during the hard times, a lot of people weren’t there. They made me feel so weak when I was alone at home. Now I’m wondering how I’m going to cope when I’m out there on my own.

I drop my phone on my bedside table and lay down on my bed, facing the wall. I should be happy, studying, so excited because I’m finally going to be free and life will have more meaning and things seem to be progressing. But now I’m so afraid. If people are treating me like a weakling now that I’m at home, how much more when I’m in school and I’m far from their reach, too busy to meet up? I can already see it now, everyone busy, doing their own thing, expecting me to care about them when no one even notices me.

It’s been a bad night. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and I’ll be excited like everyone expects me to be. But I do get tired of having to out on a show for everyone. It’s like in that Em beihold song;

“A little bit tired if trying to care when I don’t
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope
A little bit tired of sinking, there’s water in my boat
I’m barely breathing, trying stay afloat so I’ve got these quick repairs to cope
Guess I’m just broken and broke”.

After I say my prayers, I can feel myself slowly drifting off to sleep. Everything doesn’t feel as heavy anymore but I know I’ll wake up in the morning and feel just as useless and weak and stupid. Stupid for believing that people actually think I’m strong, weak for not being able to keep my emotions to myself and useless for not being able to learn any real trade during the strike. The sleep might be temporary, but it’s in this state that I am most free.